Arthtragus

Arthtragus was a man of honor valor and virtue he lived in a small village with his beautiful wife Catherina and his lovely little boy Melicor. They were farmers, living a simple but good life and were very happy like the rest of the village.
The village was very remote and so he didn't know yet that a dark shadow has come over the land and his simple days would soon be over.
The first sign that something was afoot were rumors about a dragon in the mountains, who has attacked a neighbor village.
Arthtragus didn't think twice when he heard about the possible threat to his loved ones. He grabbed the sword of his ancestors and put on his shiny armor, then he kissed his wife and son goodbye.
Already missing them while leaving the door of their little hut, he hold on to the thought that he was doing it for their sake and the rest of the village.
Arthtragus started his walk towards the mountain full of confidence, knowing he would save the village from harm so he can return to his family.
Little did he know that these where only the first steps towards an epic journey that would overcome his wildest dreams and-

But first he had to return home because he forget to do the dishes...
After he cleaned all the plates and cups there were, he kissed his lovely family goodbye again and went on his great adventure.
On his way to the mountain he met a mysterious looking-
But first he returned home again because he forgot to bring out the trash and since he was leaving the hut anyways he could have done that on the way because his wife can't just make the few steps to the trashcan right next to the door herself because-

Okay let me start again...

Arthtragus was a man of honor and so on. He lived in a small village. Everyone was happy. He had a wife and a son. There names were Catherina and Melicor. The lands were in danger. He heard about a dragon and though it would be a good idea to slay it. So he took his sword and put on his armor, kissed his beautiful wife and adorable son goodbye and started his big adventure.

On his way to the mountain he met a mysterious looking old man clenching his bony fingers to an old book, that had a strange outer worldly green glow to it. The old man came towards him talking with a husky voice.

"You are the one the prophecy has foretold to save the lands and bring peace again."

"You must mistaken me, good old man. I'm just a simple man trying to protect my family from harm," Arthtragus humbly replied.

"Sometimes this is all what's needed," the old man said with a smile, "I'm here to guide you on your journey, but first you have to answer a question to me only the chosen one can answer to ensure that I'm not mistaken."

"Fine old man I will try to answer your question, but I'm not the one you are looking for so don't be upset when I don't know the answer."

The old man nodded and started to ask.

"Where is the cocktail sauce?"

Arthtragus rolled his eyes annoyed

"It's in the fridge..."

"Where in the  fridge?"

"Upper shelf behind the cheese!"

"It's not there!"

"It is there!"

"No, it's not!"

"Are you really searching in the upper shelf?"

"Oh... found it!"

"Great!"

"Why didn't you tell me it's in the upper shelf right away?!"

"I told you!!"

"Sorry about that," the old man hemmed.

"s'alright," Arthtragus sighed.

"So the actual question I want to ask you is- Where is the spatula?"

"It's still in the sink!"

"Why is it still there?!"

"Coz it was too dirty and has to douse a little more, because someone did not clean it right away after she used it..."

"I had to do something okay?"

"I'm also doing something here! Are you sure you have everything now or do you want me to give you a list of the whole house inventory and the locations?"

"Do you think I'm stupid or something?"

"No of course not It's just that-"

"No no it's okay your stupid wife is going to prepare the meal now because the oh so intelligent sir has better things to do like sitting around all day and do nothing!"

Aaaaand again.

Stupid intro yadda yadda.
Oh and if you wonder, it's tradition for farmers in that village to have armor lying around in case of dragon attacks and it totally makes sense that someone uses a sword of his ancestors instead of getting a new one that is not rusty and brittle. Asstragus also went to evening class for dragon slaying I guess. And yeah he always puts on his armor while holding a sword and can walk infinite distances without a break in it so he does not need a horse.
So after he kissed his stupid wife and son goodbye, he went on his great adventure not knowing yet that he was ought to-

Change the fucking light bulb he promised to change for so long now because this hasto be done right now and can't wait till later!!!

After he was done and about to leave he saw a note lying on the table which he read with big concern and anger.
His good for nothing son got an F again and with all the other grades being only D he will probably have to repeat class again...

... ... ...

Assspakus was an idiot who some how got stuck with an annoying wife and retarded son who were not able to do anything by themselves even if their life would depend on it!
So since no one else would get up his ass anyways he decided to go kill that dragon hoping it would be a very long fight so he gets a break from his fucking family for a while!
Before he went out he cooter punched his fugly wife Cuntrine and slapped his son Mediocre into his  fail face, then he moved towards the bloody mountain to finally start his stupid adventure!!!
On the way to the mountain he met an old fag that was babbling something about a prophecy and that he is the chosen one and shit, but at first he had to answer a question or something to prove himself.

"I'm ready for the question, old man," Arthtragus said.

"Well.. than let my ask you my son. Do you remember that one rainy evening when you came back from the market and your family was at the neighbors house?"

Arthtragus felt a shiver running through him hearing the old man saying these words. He knew only too good which evening he meant and also what happened later during this fateful night.
"Yes old man I remember this day very well. What do you want to know?"

"That's good my son then you can surely tell me- where you put the cheese I can't find it anywhere!"

"It's in the fridge!"

"No it's not!"

"It is!"

"I searched the whole damn thing and there is no cheese!"

"Search it again it should be right in- Did you look on the fridge?"

"Why should it it be their- Found it!"

"Awesome..."

"Uuuh it got warm and is all slimy now... I'm not gonna eat that! Why did you not put it in the fridge I told you like a hundred times to put the grocery right into the fridge."

"You put It there!"

"No I did not!"

"Oh really then tell me what you did right before you found that disgusting cocktail sauce of yours?"

"Well because someone had to put it in the farthest corner of the fridge I first had to put away all the- Okay maybe I put it there, but that's not the point. Why are you making such a big wuss out of everything!"

"What? Are you fucking kidding me? You started-"

"It's alright okay I made a mistake it happens sometimes I'm also just human no need to get all loud an angry with me!"

"I'm not angry!"

"Really?"

"Yes! Are you done then?"

"Of course I don't want to take up you precious time any longer with my petty problems."

"Good!"

Soooo... As-

"Well on the other hand could you please be so kind and bring some new cheese when you go to the store today?"

"I went to the store today already!"

"Well okay It's just that I wanted to make your favorite dish today, but I don't have any cheese now."

"Just take the warm one I don't mind."

"You maybe don't, but I'm not going to eat that!"

"Then cook something else!"

"And what?"

"I don't know and frankly don't give a fuck. Don't cook anything at all and let me finish my story okay?"

"Oh now the sir has to write his story again! You are just idling around! How many hours are you sitting their today and you did not even get one page done-"

"I wonder why that is..."

"Oh now it's all my fault or what?! I'm just trying to get things running here okay?!"

"I didn't say it was all your fault..."

"But you thought it!"

"Maybe... Okay listen. When you shut up now and let me finish my story I will go to the store right after I'm done."

"Fine."

Okay for the last time... A-

"About when you will be done with your story? I'm just asking because it's already evening and-"
"You know what? I go right now... Okay hun?"
"Really? That's so nice of you but only if it's okay for you."
"Of course it's okay for me."
"Thanks, I love you hun!"
"I love you, too."
"And you are really not angry?"
"No not at all, let me just write this email quick and I'm out to the store."

Assspakus was some kind of slave worker, who was tortured and humiliated his whole live and cursed with a terrible wife and son, who somehow found a way to make his life even more painful everyday anew.
One day he simply had enough of all this and broke free of his chains, then he chained Cuntrina and Mediocre to the wall and tortured them until they both died a very slow and painful death. When he was done with them he spit on their dead bodies and threw them to the garbage, but he wasn't done yet. He murderraped the whole bloody village and also the other bordering villages and towns, but he did not stop until he murderraped the whole land very hard.
Then when everyone was murderraped very hard and painfully, he slit his throat with the sword of his ancestors. It was a very painful death because the sword was old, dull and rusty and he needed several cuts, but he didn't mind because he had endured way worse.

THE END!!!


"Oh hun are you done with your story can I read it?"

"No."

"But I- aww..."

"Let's go to bed okay?"

"Sure... but what's a cooter punch?"

"It's something like a Kamehameha."

"Ohh so you are writing something funny again?"

"Haha, yeah something funny. Maybe I show you later."